Tri-City Brewing Hell’s Half Mile – German Style Helles Lager

Tri-City Brewing sets a Tuesday Nights record with Hell’s Half Mile. You see that crest to the side there? WE’VE NEVER HAD TO USE THAT ONE BEFORE

We were going to go for the usual "when hell freezes over" jokes, but it was too terrible for that.

With a feint starting smell of old socks, we were instantly apprehensive.  We poured it out, and it looked like a Budweiser.  A dull vaguely golden/amber color, with almost no head.  It almost looked like a urine sample.  Here at Tuesday Nights, we try not to judge a beer solely on looks alone, so we went ahead and gave it a try.  Now, this claims to be a German style helles lager (helles just means light-colored, so it did that just fine), but if this is what they think of a German lager, then every dead German brewer just collectively rolled over in their graves.

This beer tastes like sour dirty water.  This made us think of bad morning breath.  It tasted like a beer burp.  No, scratch that, you know that little burp you get as a preview right before you’re about to throw up?  It tastes like that.  The bad morning breath flavor came in the after taste.  None of the eight of us could finish one.  Not a single one.

If this beer was a movie, it would be a buddy comedy directed by M Night Shyamalan, and the “twist” would be that he was taking a dump in the driver’s seat of your car while you were watching it.  Plan 9 From Outer Space would make fun of it for sucking so bad.  If this beer was a car, it would be an old Pacer wagon… with M Night Shyamalan’s shit in the driver’s seat. 

 We couldn’t believe how bad it was.  We cracked two open, thinking the first must have been a fluke, but they both tasted exactly the same, like there might have been some kind of beer in the bottle, but we couldn’t taste it through the concentrated sewage drain runoff they must have paired the beer with.  If you like to drink from your rainwater runoff barrel, you may find this an enjoyable product, but we recommend you spare your mouth and tastebuds.  We knew that someday we’d find a 1, but we’re still a little in shock. (“Are you guys still drinking that garbage??” - Rob)  No Rob.  No we’re not.